Merry christmas every one

Merry christmas to you all!

So it is christmas eve, last of the mad days where the children ask a thousand times “how many sleeps till christmas?” I need it to be over. I feel irritable and I know I’ve been over reacting to events (tho I’m sure it has all been justifiable). I seem to be living on the premise I don’t need to sleep so I’m a stropy cow all day then start up all night watching tv! 

I know everything is out of sync.my brain is playing tricks on me, trying to confuse me. Noise, doorbell/alarms, lights flickering, shadows…they all trick me. Its because I’m 31, I’ve always known odd numbers were bad but it has only just cliokcked into place. Countdown to my birthday must begin 83 days to go!

I wish I could type as fast as my brain thinks. So many thoughts, not all repeatable, definately not all good but oh soooooo many of them! For now I know I need to close my eyes and try to sleep. I want to be better at blogging.I want to write more but what to say. Maybe I will rant next time… Must karyn to touch type as ranting just speed up my brain “lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala ……..”

Haven

So much for daily writing! Well I have been here for 3 of my 7 nights.I do love having no responsibilities but obviously I miss my babies. I’m experiencing extremes of mood from relaxed and chilled to highly agitated. I am exhausted today as last night although I was in my bed with my eyes closed the brain did not switch off. It is taking a lot of energy not to run away but so far being here in this safe place its keeping me safe!

Respite

Here I am at the Haven (mh crisis house). I am almost overwhelmed by the relief I feel being here. I have sorted my room and am chilling watching tv! I like it!

Not much really to report today. I do plan to write a little something each day. I hope to maintain relaxation and calm throughout the week!

Missed opportunity

Well, I had great intentions of writing a blog while in a really good mood. As u can probably guess from the title I misses that boat. So from memory I want to write about how I did have a couple of good weeks!

I don’t really remember much of them to be honest. I wonder now whether it was actually me or did an alien invade my body and enjoy life? I do remember enjoying being with people and just busying with things. My boy had his 6th birthday so we had some busy weekends with visitors, even going out for meals and I spoke to staff instead of getting others to ask for mayo!

Then about a week ago, sat watching the kids playing someone pulled the plug and life drained away. I felt it leave me physically. I coiled up on the chair screaming silently “dont go, not again, not so soon”. Sitting still as a statue my mind raced thinking, trying to work out something I could so to use as a plug to keep some life in. I failed. I switch onto auto pilot, kids need food, kids need routine, bed, school run. Self destruct kicks in. I deserve pain and suffering. The world doesn’t deserve to be numbered with me. Added to these bad thoughts is that I can’t tell anyone because I don’t deserve help. So I make plans so as to be the least burden.

By Thursday night I was admitted to hospital on the vomit inducing drip known as parvolex. Visited by 2 Fab friends then crisis team then home Saturday evening. By this point I managed to put on enough of a front to get by one moment at a time. Guilt sets in about what I tried aswell as paranoia that friends will hate me. I am sure there are people talking about me and I keep hearing muttering from outside windows. I want to be with my children but I want to disappear…….. A bed is available at a crisis house tomorrow which I think would be a great place to time out and try to reboot the brain. Hubby not keen as he thinks it made me worse last time I was in. I want to go but I know the kids don’t want me to. Is it selfish of me to go? I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like I know how to make the right choices anymore. I feel bad.

Feeling bad so thought I’d write!

I wish my thoughts had an off button. If I could just be without the noise inside my head I am sure life would be simpler. Today I should be happy. I have spent the day with lovely friends who I haven’t seen in ages. It was great to see them with the added bonus of baby cuddles

So why have I felt more and more separated from myself all day? Like I’m not here. All I can see in my mind are images of me dying in different ways in different places. I am away from home where I thought is feel safe but I don’t. I feel like the pictures in my head are instructions giving me options, same outcome just different methods.

My poor kids bear the brunt of my outbursts, which I am trying to hide from ppl so are more intense when I blow. I lay with my son while he fell asleep tonight silently sobbing. I could have died in that moment holding him in my arms. I almost wish I could take the lids to a desert island and just ne with them in that snuggle place forever but I also know that moment never lasts and to much wriggling and they would be banished from my island.

I don’t want to leave my gorgeous babies but I don’t see how I can stay. I would give anything right now to slit my wrists and let the blood pour out. I feel like I need to do it. My heart is pounding, my breathing rapid. I am shaking inside. I am fidgety and feel irritated but lost and helpless.

I need help, but what that is I so not know …..

Different sorts of self harm

It has just occurred to me that so much more of mine or anyone’s behaviour could be described as self harm. Obviously cutting scratching burning hair pulling od’ing are all self harm but it is not always that clear cut.

This evening I have stayed with my children at their school disco. Fun times you may think but actually for me it is quite the opposite. I hate noise and heat. I fear rejection and other peoples thoughts about me. I never have liked dance club type places unless rather drunk. So everything about this evening is causing me inner pain. Therefore is it self harming? It is certainly bringing me to a place where I feel I need to do something more physical to relieve the pain so why do it?

Well, I wasn’t going to stay but the silly husband didn’t want to go home so I am stuck is the main reason. Also part of me so wants to be involved with the school more. But still why let myself be at risk?

I have had, until now a good day! Is hard to believe it but although exhausted I felt inspired to cook dinner and get the kids dressed up nicely and out on time! I hate the fragility of mood. It must be hell for those around me.

Right now I feel like this evening is on a rapid descent to self destruction.

Don’t know what’s going on …

Today I have had an assessment from “recovery team”. Two very nice ppl turned up chatted and left but I feel like I said nothing. They don’t know me or what has been going on or how cope yet these two people are going to recommend me at the “big” meeting. I have to trust them to get me some help!!

I have been struggling a lot and it feels like I’m just floating around watching everything. I neither want to do anything or feel able to. I want to close my eyes and disappear. 

And I have a headache. I wish I could admit myself to hospital to escape. But I know they just wouldn’t let me

Library?

This morning I had the pleasure of a visit to a consultant psychiatrist. Now as I have a diagnosis of borderline (emotionally unstable) personality disorder I am aware that psychiatrists are not likely to want to give me the time of day. However I had a glimmer of hope in my otherwise completely black world.

I have been pleasantly suprised by the crisis team in the last week or so, good people with ears that sent message to their brains!! So when they told me they got me an appt with the boss consultant and that he would sort things out as, in their opinion, I needed meds reviewing and something prescribed prn, I was mildly hopeful. How wrong could I be?

A typical 45mins late I go into the room sit down and nervously take in my surroundings. A dreary room with journals piled everywhere, desk in the corner, grey filing cabinet and nhs fake comfy chairs (the sort u can never get comfy in, never stand up from without falling backwards and have to realign your back for the rest of the day).
We have never met before so we go through some basic history.

10mins in the Orange faced crisis team manager comes in “oh I thought you knew someone from crisis was going to sit in?”  Err no I thought but shrugged my shoulders fully expecting him to get someone I knew. So he comes in and sits down. Now I feel super intimidated, just me the boss consultant and the crisis team boss! So we continue with the history with small anecdotal stories along the way.

When I start to think we are going to talk ably now he starts talking and I get a lecture that could be summarized as follows;
   Don’t commit suicide its daft.

   Don’t self harm its daft.

   Do use your motivation (we would have established I have none but we didn’t talk about now) to go to the library (?!?) And ask about what there is locally you could do.

   Investigate (with aforementioned motivation) the WI!!!

   You are not well enough to work.

   
So through my tears I raised the question of medication. I was quite proud of my assertiveness here! “no that doesn’t come into it your problems are in your past”. Oh alright then I’ll go merrily on my way in my deep self loathing depression and …. well I wanted to end that sentence in all sorts of ways. Thankfully I had 2 friends I bumped into on the way out who got one of the good crisis team nurses to see me!

As I write I am still moving between despair and rage. How on earth can I even try to hope for a future when the the “help” is so non existent!

So tomorrow shall I go to the library and inform them if their new role supporting the depressed of Lincoln!? I think not as going to places where I don’t know anyone triggers major anxiety. Yes I did tell him this too and no he wasn’t bothered!

Just a thought

As scientists discover the universe to be more vast than we could imagine, surely they are really saying that earth becomes even more insignificant? And to that end our lives on earth even less so? So why oh why do we make such a fuss about living? The only certainty in life is death so I want to choose it. No one seems to back my corner when I try to explain, I get reminded about the joy of my children etc. But why can’t I be allowed to recognise my own insignificance and stop this silly game of life?

Bloomin system

Well as any service user could tell u the mental health system is variable at best! For 10 years I saw my gp and bumbled along. Then in April this year had my first liaison with the “crisis team”. Initially I was amazed as they ppl I saw were fantastic (special mention to Paula who is ace) and I wondered why MH services were so badly spoken of. I spent a week in a crisis house well supported then had regular home visits. My health deteriorated and I was admitted to “the ward”.  

Even the ward was good! I spoke to a friend in a different area and she was impressed too! On my discharge I was told a referral was made for support for me with the kids and to recovery team and I would attend day ward as an outpatient. So far so good I thought. During my time as an outpatient I started 3 afternoon creative arts sessions. These were brilliant, I enjoyed them and they made me feel slightly more positive. So I carried on going even when discharged from the day ward.it became my routine, 3 afternoons I had a safe secure plan.

In discussion about another art group it came up that actually none of the promised support had materialized. The following week I ask about starting a new pottery project as I’ve just finished making a tortoise chess set! Well because I don’t have a cpn, or a named consultant, or anyone named in MH service I am not allowed to continue with the art groups! It all makes no actual sense to me. The thing that has actually offered a stable positive environment is gone all because the system never followed through the support!

Well now being back on the radar in a very low mood the irony is that I am being re referred for all this support and am seeing the good ppl I saw in the beginning who are shaking their heads asking me why I don’t have these named people!

Madness I tell you!